Heavy with Doubt

There has many times with in the last few weeks that i have been wanting to write. Part of me has many fears of what I write that some one will read all the doubt, insecurities and fears that consume me.
The fear that I possess have at time paralyzed me. They have prevented me from living the life that I truly deserve. I know walking through these fears will only making me stronger but yet I am paralyzed. I continue to look back at the thinner me and long to be her again but yet I know when I was her that things were no different than they are at this very moment other than I wore a much smaller size. But yet I long to be her. I long to see that low number on the scale. I long to see the muscle definition that is now hidden under fat
I am so paralyzed with self doubt at the moment that I don’t even know how to take care of myself. The gym that I once spent hours in is beginning to see less and less of me and with that bring the vicious circle of fear. If I don’t workout daily and until sweat is coming off me I have failed that I have given up on me. But yet a part of longs to find a balance a sense of peace. To be able to just be healthy and fit. I watched a you tube video of a trainer I just found that I enjoy and one of the things that has stuck with me is stop training like you 20 when your not. Focus on being healthy and fit instead of trying to erase the age of time. I have been sitting with it the past few days and this morning I did a short 20 minute workout in my basement and called it a day as far as exercise goes. I have to admit that it continues to weigh on me the little voice in my head saying you need to do more. With this sense of fear has come with consuming more food to comfort myself.
I am not sure what the answer are for me yet. I do believe deep down some where beyond the fear and doubt that I am on the right path. I must learn to believe and trust that it will all be ok.