Heavy with Doubt

There has many times with in the last few weeks that i have been wanting to write. Part of me has many fears of what I write that some one will read all the doubt, insecurities and fears that consume me.
The fear that I possess have at time paralyzed me. They have prevented me from living the life that I truly deserve. I know walking through these fears will only making me stronger but yet I am paralyzed. I continue to look back at the thinner me and long to be her again but yet I know when I was her that things were no different than they are at this very moment other than I wore a much smaller size. But yet I long to be her. I long to see that low number on the scale. I long to see the muscle definition that is now hidden under fat
I am so paralyzed with self doubt at the moment that I don’t even know how to take care of myself. The gym that I once spent hours in is beginning to see less and less of me and with that bring the vicious circle of fear. If I don’t workout daily and until sweat is coming off me I have failed that I have given up on me. But yet a part of longs to find a balance a sense of peace. To be able to just be healthy and fit. I watched a you tube video of a trainer I just found that I enjoy and one of the things that has stuck with me is stop training like you 20 when your not. Focus on being healthy and fit instead of trying to erase the age of time. I have been sitting with it the past few days and this morning I did a short 20 minute workout in my basement and called it a day as far as exercise goes. I have to admit that it continues to weigh on me the little voice in my head saying you need to do more. With this sense of fear has come with consuming more food to comfort myself.
I am not sure what the answer are for me yet. I do believe deep down some where beyond the fear and doubt that I am on the right path. I must learn to believe and trust that it will all be ok.

Hello Old Friend

I have thought many time about get back on my blog and write. i real enjoy going back and read old blog post and I feel like I am not doing myself and justice by not writing and documenting this time in my life. This may not be the best time in my life but it is a time that still be written about to help me learn and grow.

So you may ask what I have been up to. On the 25th of March I ran my very first 8K

It was the biggest race I have ever been a part of it. It was unbelievable. There was a total of 34000 runners! It was all so much to take in. I ran quite well the first 2 miles and then I began to struggle. I ended up walking a few times which I planned on doing but ended up an additional time than I planned. I finished the race strong and was able to do it under the time I had planned. i have difficulty with excepting what i had actually achieved. I wanted to focus on all that I didn’t achieved instead of all that I had. How come I couldn’t remember that this was the first 8K I had every run? That I actually followed through with what set out to do. I still have work to do on honoring myself and all the wonderful thing I have to offer this world

I continue to struggle with my emotions and some times wonderful if I suffer from depression. But then I could be going through stages of menopause as well. This is something I hate to admit because that would me that I am getting old. Although my know that having children is no longer in my future but the fact that one day it will not be is possible is some times hard to deal with for me. Maybe all the the things I am dealing with a normal processes of aging but these are things you never hear to much about.

I also continue to explore my diet and find out what makes me feel my very best. Today I decided to go raw for dinner. I have read some about this way of eating and I curious to see how I feel. I still do not feel my diet is quite right yet. I still feel like I am still lacking energy and sleeper than I feel like I should be. So my big question is what do I eat. I have attempt to each salads and beans but still didn’t feel content and satisfied.

First: Almond Flaxseed Burger

Second: Salad with spinach, red pepper, broccoli and carrots

Third: Sweet Pepper Basil Pesto

I used the pesto on the salad and the burger.

Well I loved the Pesto on the salad but I am not sure the burger I could really taste a lot of the flaxseed that was in the burger. It may be a required taste but I am willing to attempt another burger. I have a whole day of raw foods plans for tomorrow and I am curious to see how I feel.

In closing this post I want to want to say to know one in particular and possible to just to myself. I have been given one life there is no perfect life but one that is about learning and growing. There truly is more to life than what the scale or the size clothes one wears. Treasure the ones that you love and the ones who love you. Life is a truly blessing.